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The Latest Jokes - Page 109
Diary of a Cat * DAY 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. * DAY 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. * DAY 762: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. * DAY 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.. * DAY 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. * DAY 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. * DAY 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A woolly jumper!
when do people eat spaghetti? when they have spaghetti on their plate.
Two goldfish were in a tank. One said to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
How many Victorian ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A hundred. One to change the lightbulb, and 99 to contract consumption and die tragic, poetic deaths.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Two guys walk into a bar. They both get up, and one asks the other, "You didn't see it either?"
A cop pulls over a car full of old ladies. "You were going way too slow." He says. The driver replies, "No, officer, I was doing 35, just like the sign says!" The cop laughs and says, "No, ma'am, that's the sign for route 35. The speed limit is 70." He glanced into the back seat to see her passengers trembling. "What's wrong with them, they look like they've just seen a ghost!" The old woman replies, "Oh they'll be fine in a minute, we were just on route 195."
Three men walk into a bar. One ducked and missed it.
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: Liar Sermon A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''. On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.'' Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.'' Google didn't laugh at this joke, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 0.0000% The joke's popularity is: 0
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