The Latest Jokes - Page 151

 

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel bad, I look fat, ugly and hairy. Give me a compliment." The wife replies, "Your eyesight's near perfect.
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knock knock whos there ? britney spears britney spears who? knock knock whos there ? britney spears britney spears who ? oops i did it again!
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There are 3 types of people; those who can do math, and those who can't.
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An Alberta cowboy was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy "If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODCB connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You work for the Canadian Government," says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
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I read that drinking was bad so I had to give up reading.
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A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" "So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!" To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
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life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death.
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Did you hear about the man who didn't talk to his wife for 15 years? He didn't want to interupt.
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a pirate walks into a bar and orders a rum. While he does this the bartender can't help but notice that the pirate has a ship's steering wheel coming out of the pirate's pants, the bartender asks the pirate: "sir, i've got to ask ya, why do you have a ships wheel hanging out of your trousers?" the pirate responds, "Arrr it be driven me nuts!"
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knock knock whos there im a pile up im a pile up who
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