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The Latest Jokes - Page 347
what do you get when you cross a river and a stream? Wet
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it
you think that you have problems? I lent a guy $500 for plastic surgery, and now I don'tknow what he looks like?
Did you hear about the guy who had a dog with no legs? He took him for a drag every day.
Why is santa so jolley? He knows where all the bad girls live.
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result..The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet-surprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
if i said you had a nice body would you hold it against me?
Three men are sitting at a construciton site. An Italian, a mexican and an American. The italian looks into his lunch box and says "Lasagne! If i get Lasagne again i'll jump off this building!" The mexican opens his lunch box"Enchiladas if it get enchiladas one more time i'll jump off this building!" The american opens his lunch box and says "Candy if it get candy one more time i'll jumnp off this building. The next day... The italian opens his lunch box "Lasagne! AHHHHHHHHHHH"and he falls and dies. The mexican opens his lunch box "Enchiladas AIEEEEEEEEEEE" and dies. The American opens his lunch box "Candy? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and dies. At the funeral... The three wives are sitting at the bench. The italian's wife says" If only i had know that he didn't want lasagne any more i would have made him something else." The mexican wife says" I wish that i had know he didn't like enchiladas." They look at the american wife. She says "WHat? He makes his own lunch."
Why did the Pollock drive his Volkswagen around in circles?
His blinker was stuck!
how do you catch a wild rabbit? YOU 'Neak up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: 3 guys walk into a bar on a stormy night. Except for the bartender the place is empty so they sit down at a table and one of them goes up to get a pitcher of beer. They drink quietly for a while until it's time for the third guy to buy a round and he goes up and starts to engage the bartender in conversation. "Quiet night tonight, isn't it?" "Yeah, most people stayed home because of the storm I guess." "Must be bad for business when it gets like this." "I guess." "How would you like a chance to make some extra money?" The bartender looks at the guy suspiciously but seems intrigued so he asks the guy to explain further. "Okay, I'll bet you $25 that I can take my eye out and chew on it." The bartender is even more suspicious but figures the guy is just joking. "No really. I'll bet you $25 that I can pull my eye out of the socket, chew on it and put it back in. What do you say?" Thinking this will be an easy way to make some money off a guy who is obviously on the way to being drunk the bartender agrees. So the guy pulls out a glass eye, pops it in his mouth and a few seconds later puts it back into the socket with a triumphant grin. "Ha! Told ya I could do it!" "Yeah, yeah. You tricked me good. Now take your beer and go sit down." The guy takes his winnings off the bar and returns to his friends with a new pitcher of beer. About a half hour later it's the guys turn to buy another round and he approaches the bar again. "Listen I feel bad about tricking you before so whadya say I give you a chance to make back your money and then some?" The bartender is even more suspicious than before but he really wants to get his money back and thinks that there's no harm in listening. "I'm listening." "Okay, I'll bet you $50 that I can take my leg off and screw it into this knothole here on the bar." What the... The bartender can't believe he heard the guy correctly so the guy repeats himself. "That's right. I'll bet you 50 bucks that I can take my leg off and screw it into this knothole right here on the bar. Do we have a bet?" The bartender looks at the guy, who is swaying just a bit having already shared 5 pitchers of beer with his 2 friends and thinks, This guy is practically falling down. No way he can do this. "Okay, you're on. 50 bucks says there's no way you can do this." With that the guy puts his $50 on the bar next to the bartenders then reaches down and starts to unscrew a false leg just below his knee. When he gets the leg off he turns it upside down and proceeds to screw it into the knothole on the bar just like he said he would. When he's done he let's out another loud "Ha!" and grabs the money, the beer, and his leg and hops back over to the table where his 2 friends have been watching the whole thing with some amusement. Another half hour goes by and it's the guys turn to buy what will be the last pitcher of beer for the night and as he approaches the bar with a big grin the bartender thinks to himself, Oh great, here comes my own personal practical joker. As expected when the guy gets to the bar he starts to ask the bartender if he'd like one last chance to salvage the night and make back his losses plus some. It takes him some time because he's so drunk by now that he can't stand up straight and he's slurring most of his words. But after 2 or 4 tries the bartender finally understands what the guy is trying to say and he thinks that he's finally got a bet that he can win. "So let me get this straight. You're going to bet me $250 that you can stand on this bar an piss into an empty pitcher all the way down here at this end of the bar?" "Tha'ss... tha'ss hiccup right" "And you won't spill a drop? Not one single drop?" "You betcha, hiccup" "You're on!" With that the bartender puts an empty pitcher at one end of the bar and the guy starts to get up on the bar and open his fly at the other. When everything is ready the guy starts to piss in a steady stream, aiming for the pitcher that is at least 20 feet away. It takes some doing but eventually he manages to to direct the stream at the pitcher and even manages to get some of the piss to land in it but not before he has pissed all over the bar, the empty stools along it, the glasses, the bottles of liquor and even gets a fair amount on the bartender himself. When he is finally done, he has had an awful lot of beer that night, he carefully gets down from the bar, his pants still undone, and gives the bartender a huge grin, obviously quite pleased with himself. The bartender is also smiling broadly so seeing this coming from the man he had just won $250 from is a bit puzzling. Counting his money a second time to be sure that he hasn't been duped again in some way he asks the guys why he's so happy. "What do you got to smile about? You just lost 250 bucks!" "Yeah but I just bet those 2 guys over there 500 each that I could piss all over you and you'd be happy about it!" Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 100.0000% The joke's popularity is: 4.021
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